For fair warning this is the second part of my coffee gleanings with Jill so if you want to hear her powerful testimony go catch the one before.
Anyways, this gleanings is the last one and we discuss the following:
- How does she see God?
- Where do you meet with God and practice His presence?
- What is the greatest lesson she has ever learned?
- What season she is in?
- Can she tell me about Jesus?
So much depth and wisdom in this gleaning, so enjoy. Oh…you may need to go grab some coffee because it is long…but fun. I could listen to Jill for hours. She always makes me laugh, and then nails me with a truth from the Lord. I love being around women like that!!!
Me: How do you see God?
Jill: That is something that I have really struggled with. It is that one thing where I get into a self pit; it’s because of my lack of understanding who He really is. My mom does the ancestry.com kind of stuff…kind of quirky about it.
Me: It is a little bit addicting.
Jill: Or a lot a bit. Part of her Christmas present was to get another year subscription but to the world one. You can only go so far in America. So…we talk a lot about how when the Bible talks about when you are faithful to me you will see it through a 1,000 generations. So…we look back at the goodness of the Lord, and they were believers, they were believers, they were believers. Through our family we can see that. We can see generation after generation, but in that I also see the depth and understanding of who God is. I see where my grandparents were. They knew as much as what their parents were to them and what was revealed to them of how to be parents…how to love…how to teach their kids. And so I look at where my grandfather was on my dad’s side and I look at my dad…my dad is the youngest of three brothers. It was like…you got in trouble…you had to go out and get your own switch.
Me: Oh yeah.
Jill: If it was too small you got the one on the refrigerator…which is NOT the one you wanted. My grandfather was never shown how to show affection to his boys. He didn’t know what that was. My uncles went through so much…went through the Vietnam War…there was so much that they went through. They are all literally all carbon copies of each other. They look like triplets…except for my middle uncle who is darker skinned….it is really creepy how much they look alike. My dad and my uncles all had girls…what are you supposed to do with that? You didn’t even know how to have affection with your father and now it’s like….I don’t even know what you are (talking about the girls). David and I are sponges. We want to know everything about parenting…everything about marriage…everything about spiritual healing…everything about the Holy Spirit…I wanna know it all. I’m like give it to me…give it to me. So all of the things that we are learning…that is when all of the things started to come together of…oh my gosh…my dad never had the tools to understand what I needed as a little girl. He didn’t understand that like I needed his words and his actions. I needed him to be different than what he was because I never got my value…he never spoke into me “You’re beautiful.”…”You’re wonderful.” So even now at 33…which I just realized a couple months ago…that I have been 33 this whole time.
Me: I am about to be 34…how old am I?
Jill: Me too…I thought I was about to be 33. I was like shut up it’s half over…I will be 34 in May. Sorry…little rabbit trail. Anyway…here I am at 33, and it’s hard for me to receive what the Lord says about me…because I never had that relationship with my dad. My dad and I are working through that and have come so far from where we were. I have to retrain and believe my spirit and tell my soul to just shut up. I can see the Father…as of this last year…when that song came out “you’re a good, good Father.”…I was like…mmmmm….this is my anthem. I can just sing it over and over and over and over. I am washing my mind with…He is good…He is good. He is for me. You know? It has been in this last year that like…why do I set myself up thinking I don’t deserve this awesome thing. That I don’t deserve this…I don’t deserve that. You know? It has been in this last year that I am like….HE IS SOOOOOOO GOOD. He is so for…Me, and so for my family. It has completely changed the vocabulary in our home….to start speaking differently about ourselves to change the atmosphere of what we believe. We believe our voice more than what we read or what someone else tells us. If I am not telling myself…you are worthy…you are righteous…then I am not going to believe it. It has been really sweet. I was telling you this a while ago…that I have read “Practicing the Presence of the Lord” so many times…it is a short read so it is real easy…but it is like I am living it. I am doing it. I am hearing Him about anything all the time….where before it was…everything needs to be perfect and in its place…okay now open the heavens and come and speak. You know? But now it is like this awareness of the presence of the Lord always being there…always in me. It is learning to stand in the power that is really inside of you. It’s just different.
Me: Where do you meet with God? You said that you have coffee with Jesus every single day, but…I know you are practicing His presence….when did that shift honestly? Because I am still in that position where the heavens part, everything is still, no one is awake in the house and it’s quiet…and if it gets disturbed in the slightest I feel a little out of control.
Jill: It is being aware of the power that is inside you. I know that I control the peace in my home. So if it feels chaotic it’s me. I’m not stopping. I’m not breathing. I’m literally not allowing the peace of the Lord to be in our home because I am being selfish. That’s what turned it around for me because I realized that….I was selfish and that is why you get angry at your kids. Your children are 4 and almost 2…okay?
Me: There is going to be peanut butter on the couch.
Jill: They are gonna be crazy.
Me: There is going to be pee on the floor.
Jill: There is…..I have boys. I mean for real…or in the trash can…but whatever. I was like…that’s a different sound…doesn’t sound like the toilet….mmmm….it wasn’t…but you clean out your trash can a lot more. Really, it was me realizing that it is my job to be the priest of my home. I went through every door post in my home with the good oil, and I was like “This is my home.” So me…and when I say me I say me and the HS that lives inside me….me as a Levite…this is my post. This is my duty. They didn’t get a day off. They switched out but they did not get a day off. They lit the incense every day. They did the sacrifices EVERY DAY. They didn’t stop. They kept the fire going in the temple 24 hours a day, so the aroma could go up to heaven. So home….is the temple, and I am the keeper of that place. That means that everyday in every room, and I have to make space for His presence. That means that I have to stop being selfish. I have to stop being impatient and I have to stop wanting things done my way. I have to let it go. If it takes my four year old 45 minutes to eat a sandwich…it needs to be okay. To me it is not okay because I am like we have nap time…we have this…I am a schedule kind of a mom. You know?
Me: Oh yeah!
Jill: And I’m just like…why? Why does it matter? He just wants to tell me a story….and I have to keep reminding him to eat the sandwich. Just keep goin buddy…you got this peanut butter and jelly. When I started realizing what my real role was in my home and the power that the Lord had given me in my home. I stopped living this…I’m falling apart I am all disheveled…I can’t get through life….because that’s not who the Holy Spirit is. He doesn’t go through life feeling like He is barely holding on. So why am I acting like that? Once I just allowed myself to just get out of the way it was almost like….what the Woods talked about….you know the circle of the Holy Spirit, Jesus, and the Father. It was like once I stopped being selfish I was like…get me in the circle. I just want to be in the circle. I just want to go round and round and be a part of them together. I started to feel the peace of the Lord in my skin. I’m like….I’m good.
Me: I want that…that’s awesome.
Jill: It’s so weird. I mean I still totally screw up all the time. Last night was BAD…..but you know…His mercies are new every morning. I can apologize to my kids. I apologize to my kids ALL THE TIME. I’m like…mommy let anger in…whew…I’m sorry….forgive me…because I have disturbed the peace in my home. My son said….mommy it made my heart sad when you were mad but now it is happy.
Me: I love Wyatt.
Jill: I know. The Holy Spirit speaks through him to me. Mom you make my heart so happy. He says that because that is what we talk about. We talk about things that make our heart happy. We talk about things that make our heart sad. We talk about how we treat others. To hear him say that means….it’s getting through. He is putting those pieces together of what actions do to your heart and not just oh I feel this way.
Me: I was going to ask you about your friendship with the Holy Spirit but…that’s good. It just oozes out of you.
Jill: You know last September I reread “The God I Never Knew”.
Me: That book changed our life.
Jill: …with new eyes. It was totally like…huh? I already read this. I don’t ever remember reading any of this stuff. I read “Truly Free” right before that. Have you read that?
Jill: That’s good….don’t read it at night time….in the dark. Not that you could read in the dark. It’s intense and amazing. I think that having that understanding and then going through and reading “The God I Never Knew” it was so different than anything I had ever thought before. It was like once you start to understand more of the Holy Spirit…it was like…what is there? Without the Holy Spirit in everything what is there?
Me: You just show up.
Me: You just show up. You go through the motions. You sit in the same pew you have sat in….you have nothing. Because that is all you have power for….you only have enough power to show up to church every week and sit in the same pew.
Jill: Because that’s just about you showing up.
Me: Oh girl…I could….
Jill: I know.
Me: So. What’s the greatest lesson you have ever learned?
Jill: Oh my goodness…maybe I did need the questions before. I don’t know because I feel that in every season of life you go through a refining process so in that season…that is the greatest thing you have ever learned. I feel like we are always evolving…we are always changing. In this season right now….I’m selfish….it is an awareness of the selfishness of my life. The greatest lesson is that I control whether or not I live in selfishness. I choose to live by the Holy Spirit. I get to make that choice. My kids don’t make it for me. My husband doesn’t make it for me. I make it…every day. So every day is an opportunity to wake up and not be selfish….to not care that I had to take a cold shower because my husband took all the hot water. You know? Because I could carry that till noon or one o’clock. It’s like really? Really? That’s your day? You are going to let that rob you of the goodness and joy of the Lord? The other lessons that I have learned have just become a part of me. It isn’t like I could tell you years ago I learned this and it is so amazing…it just changed who I was…so now I just AM different. Does that make sense? So now I know what I am walking through but those other things are just the journey. Does that make sense?
Me: Yes. That is it. The beauty of the season is what you are learning. He is reshaping you, washing you, chiseling you a little bit more in this season. And you are in a season of staying home with the kids.
Jill: Yes. He would show me what would look like if I didn’t stay home and then He was like…don’t you see this is where I want you? Yes. Good, then I am going to saturate you with contentment. I am so content…it is not even funny. With everything….with EVERYTHING.
Me: This is my last question….can you tell me about Jesus? Because you see a different part of Him than I do. You have a different relationship with Him than I do, so tell me about it.
Jill: I feel like…this is totally…it will sound like whatever it is. I feel like Jesus is to most people the most tangible out of the Trinity. Jesus saves us, and yet to me…I have such a connection to God the Father and such a connection to the Holy Spirit…but I am always like Jesus who are you? It is like so much to attain to…so much to get to. I’m trying to think about what the Lord and I were talking about this morning. I wrote a poem about my old friend called Shame. I wrote a poem about how I had this friend and it ends with how I met my best friend. You know? And He was like this saturated light that came over everything and revealed so much and it plays into my testimony. I’ve had to really work through what intimacy is in a way that I’ve never understood intimacy before because I see Jesus as my lover…as my husband…as like…you know…He’s my man. Because of false definitions that I had in my life for so long there is just a lot more of redefining that always has to happen. When I became a Christian it literally sounded disgusting to me when people would say “Jesus is the lover of my soul.” I was like…don’t say lover. I was like Jesus is not the lover of my soul…because what you think lover is and what I think lover is…you don’t want to know my definition. It is like understanding that in a different way to where it is like where I want to know what pure intimacy is. I want pure love. I want pureness and goodness. That is what Jesus brings. Every day I am like…Who are You? Who are You? I know that my understanding….until I am at the gates of Heaven…will not be there to understand the magnitude of the three dudes, but I know that Jesus is my teacher. It is almost like Jesus is you. He is the person that I interact with. He comes to me through you to take things away from me to love you because if I am loving you, I’m loving Jesus. There is stuff about who you are that I don’t understand. There are things about people that you are like…hmmm…I don’t really get that. That’s Jesus. He is the people that come in and out of our lives…He is the ebb and flow that through my interaction with you I start to learn more about Him, and that takes the vail off of my eyes in areas…my judgement. Jesus is in everyone and I always have an opportunity to meet with Him…to love Him…to bless Him. Even today I was like Lord, how can I bless Megan? Because I know that if my heart is intent to bless you I will bless Him….so it’s like I’m gonna love Jesus, so I am going to love you so hard.
It is almost like Jesus is you. He is the person that I interact with. He comes to me through you to take things away from me to love you because if I am loving you, I’m loving Jesus. There is stuff about who you are that I don’t understand. There are things about people that you are like…hmmm…I don’t really get that. That’s Jesus. He is the people that come in and out of our lives…He is the ebb and flow that through my interaction with you I start to learn more about Him, and that takes the vail off of my eyes in areas…my judgement. Jesus is in everyone and I always have an opportunity to meet with Him…to love Him…to bless Him.
Until 2015 after 33 years of life I had never heard of the term “Being Jesus with skin on”, and ever since a pastor at Gateway told my husband and I that term I have heard it repeatedly. Here it is again. When we give room for Jesus to manifest Himself in us then we get to become “Jesus with skin on”. I want that…daily. When I love on my kiddos…I am being Jesus with skin on AND I am blessing and loving on Jesus. In the Word you can find it in Matthew 25:31-46:
31 “When the Son of Man comes in His glory, and all the holy[a] angels with Him, then He will sit on the throne of His glory. 32 All the nations will be gathered before Him, and He will separate them one from another, as a shepherd divides his sheep from the goats. 33 And He will set the sheep on His right hand, but the goats on the left. 34 Then the King will say to those on His right hand, ‘Come, you blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: 35 for I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; 36 I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison and you came to Me.’
37 “Then the righteous will answer Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You drink? 38 When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or naked and clothe You? 39 Or when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ 40 And the King will answer and say to them, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.’
41 “Then He will also say to those on the left hand, ‘Depart from Me, you cursed, into the everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels: 42 for I was hungry and you gave Me no food; I was thirsty and you gave Me no drink;43 I was a stranger and you did not take Me in, naked and you did not clothe Me, sick and in prison and you did not visit Me.’
44 “Then they also will answer Him,[b] saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to You?’ 45 Then He will answer them, saying, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.’ 46 And these will go away into everlasting punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”
The week or so after I had coffee with Jill I heard an interview with Steffany Gretzinger (One of the worship pastors for Bethel Church, and someone who I would LOVE to have coffee with.) and in it she said something to the fact that she loves the gaze of her husband and that whether it is in the privacy of their home or in a large crowd…she is always looking for his gaze. She then compared it to the Lord. She is always looking for Him…for that gaze.
That was it…after these gleanings I started praying to find His gaze and that it would rock me to the core. It didn’t take long at all. I found His gaze in the eyes of my husband. Later my daughter was hugging on me and grabbed my face and looked into my eyes. She said, “Mommy, I see myself in your eyes. I’m in there.” The Holy Spirit then whispered…”That is how close I am to you…you can see your reflection in my eyes if you are staring back. Even if you aren’t…I am still that close.” Jesus was skin on through my husband and my daughter. Now I look for that gaze where EVER I go!!! Can I be “Jesus with skin” to others? Can I bless Jesus by blessing them? Who will be “Jesus with skin to me”?
And this gleaning:
Really, it was me realizing that it is my job to be the priest of my home. I went through every door post in my home with the good oil, and I was like “This is my home.” So me…and when I say me I say me and the HS that lives inside me….me as a levite…this is my post. This is my duty. They didn’t get a day off. They switched out but they did not get a day off. They lit the incense every day. They did the sacrifices EVERY DAY. They didn’t stop. They kept the fire going in the temple 24 hours a day, so the aroma could go up to heaven. So home….is the temple, and I am the keeper of that place. That means that everyday in every room and I have to make space for His presence. That means that I have to stop being selfish.
This has done wonders in our home!! We are the ones who make room for the presence of the Lord in our home or not. We are rulers over the domains we are given. If we invite in the presence of the enemy or let our flesh control the environment around us…then it will be chaotic and destructive. If we make room for the Lord, then the atmosphere will change and peace and love will reign. Making room now is a priority in our home. Even when guests come over we pray over our home and declare that the Lord will be glorified and any words that curse us, glorifies the enemy, or curses God Himself are NOT allowed in our home. Our home feels different now, and people who normally have shown great negativity in the past are far more subdued in our home. His presence changes everything. Everything.